We the Velominati

We the Velominati [London South Division] have had reports of certain members of East Grinstead CC openly  flouting ‘The Rules’ recently. These have been carefully laid down to prevent you looking like a ‘Twatwaffle’ or worse still a Tri***** [sorry I nearly blasphemed]

Namely Rule 1 ‘Obey the rules’

Rule 90 about the ‘Big Ring’ we feel is being misinterpreted the word is ‘Big’ not ‘Compact’.  Apostle Bradley Wiggins has been known to use a ’58 – a real man’s Chainring. The only excuse for having anything less than a ’53 on any race bike is if it is your winter bike with permanent mudguards, a cross bike or if you think you might be female.

Several time trial bikes have been spotted at your Evening Series openly flouting rules 29 and 30. These cover what may be carried or mounted on your bike. Why buy a bike that’s been endlessly wind tunnel tested only to strap extra unsightly items to it? Dare I say I’ve even seen a double rear mounted bottle cage! This must stop immediately extra items such as pumps, multitools and spare tubes may only be carried in rear pockets.

Several of you are beginning to look like ‘Guy the Gorilla’ Rule 33 ‘Shave your Guns’ must be observed at all times – well trimmed facial hair [Rule 50] is allowable, wax on moustaches is not, unless you are from Belgium and your name is  Hercule Poirot.

Rule 40 and 60 cover tyres and mounting thereof, careful adhereance to the disposal of the valve washer and cap must be observed. I believe one member of your Club was distraught after leaving a green cap behind after a puncture – litterbug [rule 77] and get over it!

Remember the rule about mounting tyres and careful alignment of valve and label on the tyre – this is sometimes not possible when using tubular tyres and is excused.

While on this subject of the Tubular Tyre here is a reminder of observance rules as laid down by Brother Dugast

  1. Tyres should be kept lightly inflated in a cool dry darkened place and occasionally played light classical music for at least 1 year before use.
  2. Ritual gluing of the rim including sticking the remote to the TV and detaching the cat from the patio doors after must be observed.
  3. Tub tape must never be used – this is an evil invention from Czechoslovakia.
  4. Continental Tubulars will always be a size too small and a special vocabulary is shall used to encourage mounting.
  5. Wire on tyres [clinchers] are an abomination and should only be used for training or if you want to go slowly.

Finally and perhaps most important Rule 42

‘A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run’

What was going on a few weeks ago? What were you thinking?

Stop it, stop it now, you are cyclists. Its unnatural anyway.

Like the Highway Code ‘The Rules’ become hazy after a time – I suggest a refresher a full set may be found here: http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/

We are watching, you have been warned!

Brother Policarcass

Secretary London South